I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
