If that was your dad, he is hot
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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