I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
