I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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