Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
