my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
