I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
