You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
