I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
