opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
