don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
