I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
