i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You had me at "let me see your balls"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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