Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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