Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
