I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
