What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
not ubering you a puppy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
