You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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