Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
