Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
