At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
