some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
