stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
