thus making me awesome and them whores
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
