he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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