ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
