That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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