Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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