She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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