2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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