I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
