She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
