I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
