that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
