cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
