I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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