we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
