Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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