I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
