he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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