I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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