No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
