this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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