i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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