I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
