if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
