my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
