someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
