Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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