Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
