sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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