she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
