i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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