I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
